Diagnosis

I'm not sure when it all started ... maybe November.  That time of year the days are getting short, weather is cool.  I was getting pretty tired after a day of work.  Exhausted tired and I'd be sleeping for a couple hours after work maybe a quick bite and passing out for the night shortly after.  I thought it was probably the time of year, maybe I needed a multi vitamin or something or I was down because the relationship I was in wasn't going well and coming to an end.  December came and things weren't getting any better.  I'd get a headache here or there for no reason a few nights I'd sweat a lot especially if I was having a dream.  Wake up soaked and have to change the sheet or sleep on top of a blanket.  At work I was having trouble keeping up.  It would take more effort than it should have just even walking around and climbing ladders etc.  Usually in the afternoon for some reason after coffee break I'd get a thrushing sensation in my ears that would throw my balance off a bit.  Being 31 and relatively healthy I thought maybe it was a cold or something ... suck it up princess.  Closing in on Christmas I was having some tight crushing pain in my chest and my appetite wasn't there.  Looking back I probably should have went to the doctors around now.  Naw just keep pushing ... then one night late I was walking to the couch ... sober, got dizzy and colapsed.  What the hell was that.  Picked myself up 'well that was embarassing better keep that quiet.'.  Then a couple days later I got up to go to the washroom in the middle of the night and while I was going I was getting dizzy and it was tiring me out ... hardest pee of my life.  Washed my hands and on the way out of the washroom I fell again but I cracked my head on the wall on the way down.  F@#k I was angry 'what's going on'.  Got up and laid down in bed but when I felt my head where it was sore I could tell I was bleeding.  Looked in the mirror and my cheek bone was swollen and bruising right away and had a nice goose egg with a gash on my forehead.  I did what most guys would do ... clean up, cover the gash, shot of whiskey and back to bed.  The next morning I woke up and looked like I was on the wrong side of a lopsided fight.  I didn't want to go out but it was snowing pretty good I had to shovel the driveway.  Sunglasses and toque did a good job covering it up but I was hoping I wouldn't bump into my neighbours.  Shovelling didn't go well.  I was exhausted and my chest hurt, I flat out couldn't do the heavy stuff when I got to the bottom of the driveway.  I had no strength and ended up pulling a muscle or something in my ribs ... this is going from bad to worse.  Ok time to think about a visit to the doctor ... after the new year.  I went to family Christmas and a few people my Aunt in particular thought I looked pale but my story about how I fell shovelling seemed to go over.  When I made it to the doctors I was pale my heart was racing and I had no energy.  He took one look, checked my pulse, told me I looked anemic and was I bleeding or bruising [only a little from the head], wrote me a note to take and told me to go to emergency.  No waiting for this guy ... not that day.  Right in on the ECG and into a bed.  Blood test and CT and I'm concerned.  Looks like I'm going to need some back up at this point so I called my Dad and told him I'm sick in the hospital.  I don't remember too much about it but he came right down and I think in the mean time the doctor had told me pretty causually that I had leukemia and would need to get transfered to princess margaret for all the details in the morning but they wanted me to stay in emerg or in the hall on a bed because there was no rooms.  Forget that!
'what are you going to do for me tonight'
 'nothing'
 'can I go home?'
'we can't force you to stay but would reccommend you do'
'Thanks for the hospitality ... see ya later!'

I went to my house with my Dad had a couple beer and watched a college bowl game.  The next morning I went down to Princess Margret with few details not knowing what to expect but I had that feeling so I packed a bag or two just in case.  Smart moves it turns out they had a room waiting for me.  I remember going for some test a week or so later after being admitted and the porter took me there but left me with my file.  I cracked it open to see what good news I could find in there nothing memorable except a short email from my doctor at Princess Margaret to the doctor in the Ajax emerg. saying I was a fool for leaving the hospital that night .... haha I still get a laugh thinking about that.

After a full first day running around, getting poked and tested I found myself in a small room with my Dad waiting to talk to the doctor.  He was pretty matter of fact explaining the type of leukemia I had and how its pretty agressive and the treatment protocol was a tough, long process but 'you're young, you're healthy, you'll be fine. you'll be fine'  I think I actually chuckled at this point thinking hes joking right ... I'm going to be fine ... I'm healthy.  A couple min ago it was you have leukemia now its you're going to be fine??  Come on you gotta be bullshitting me.  My stomach felt like it did a back flip and was trying to work its way to daylight but I think I took it pretty good.  I didn't waste too much time feeling sorry for myself.  I mean you can't help but be pissed off, sad you name it ... thinking man I got a good job, house, great family and group of friends, handsome as you'd like ... hah its all where I want it and now this kicks me in the balls.  Didn't take long before I realigned my thinking to fighting it and the reality of the battle I was getting into.  'don't have a room full of people over crying and staring at you like you're on your death bed, stay positive and you're young you'll be fine.' the doc said ...  Done.  I'll be positive and do everything I can to be the best patient they've had and I'll be a good story when this is all behind me.  This is your new reality accept it and lets get on with the getting better. 

It wasn't until I started thinking about telling other people I got choked up.  Still thats the worst part is telling other people.   Well I'm better with it now but at the start.  I think part of it was actually hearing yourself say I have leukemia and part of it is feeling weak and like you're letting people down because now they have to watch you go through this.  I'm still delusional sometimes and am not convinced there is anything wrong ... the doctors disagree.  All in all things are working out.  The doctor said that day with out treatment I'd be dead within a couple months tops and here we are 8 months later and I'm on a path to putting leukemia where it belongs ... no where!